Now before I start ripping alcoholics, let me just say that I am completely aware of its classification as a chronic disease; I understand that those who suffer from it are generally helpless addicts who have used it to suppress catastrophic psychological and emotional pain, and that those who surround them (friends and family) tragically suffer the consequences as well. Having said that, I can now press on with my post. I categorically despise them. My natural father was an alcoholic (still is I suppose, if he is still alive). What did he contribute to my life? Absolutely nothing. Alcoholics focus on their own pain, and are blithely unaware of the pain and suffering that they cause their loved ones. My mother finally left him while I was still an infant, and throughout the years he conveniently forgot that he had two children who loved him very much. I tried to establish some kind of father-son relationship since I was a child, and had nothing but his broken promises to sustain me. I believe the last time I spoke to him was in 1999; previously, I hadn't heard from him since '88. His replacement in my youth? Another alcoholic. My stepfather was a mean-spirited, angry coward. He was well regarded in the outside world as a hard worker, and had a small circle of friends. But at home, he was a sullen, angry drunk who terrorized his wife and stepchildren. He loomed large in my child's eyes; a raging giant who shook what seemed to be a basketball-sized fist in my face as he threatened to kill me. He was free with his fists when it came to women and small children, but I don't think he ever picked a fight with a man.It should be obvious by now that early on I had an established bias against the dipsomaniacs of this world, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that I feel the way I do. I cannot tolerate them, and I am largely unsympathetic to their plight. My sister-in-law's husband is one of those obnoxious drunks that completely lose their senses and become a danger to themselves. You know the type; loud and overbearing, losing any inhibitions or sense of propriety, blindly stumbling into dangerous situations like an unsupervised retarded toddler. Now, I am not a teetotaler by any means. I like to get pleasantly drunk when I am with friends or family or at a party. But when this guy is around, I become stone cold sober because I have to be prepared for any eventuality. Like disarm him if he decides he wants to fire a few rounds in the air or into a tree, or put him out when he accidentally ignites himself (I really had to do that...I had to tackle him and roll him around the ground until the flames were extinguished). That is not fun. He kills any party because he is an uncontrollable idiot. If I could find the T-shirt with the legend "Instant Asshole: Just Add Alcohol", I would buy it for him. So now I find myself avoiding going to my sister-in-law's house (she lives less than ten blocks away) because I don't have the energy nor the will to babysit the drunk asshole. I don't feel sympathetic to my sister-in-law either. She has consciously made the decision to stay married to this moron; any pain or heartache suffered thence is hers and hers alone to bear. I just feel sorry for the children involved (who find him just as insufferable as I do).
3 comments:
Mitchie!
I remember the days we would speak on the phone and I would hear the screamfest at your house transpiring in the background. How I couldn't even begin to know what it was like living in your home, being angry, fearful for your mom and sister, wishing the torment would end. And me not fully understanding the co-dependency of all the relationships there. I guess I had to live it for myself. 1994 brought a fella into my life that I loved very much. Only problem was i didnt realize he was an alcoholic and addict that wasnt very successful in his recovery attempts. Chester managed to hide lots of things from me, but eventually it all became very obvious. By that time, the love i felt blinded me and all rationale went out the window. I guess i was lucky in that most of the drunken, drug-induced tirades were non-violent and pathetic. But nonetheless, living with an addict (and loving one) takes its toll. I can now relate much better to what you went through back then. Even so, you handled your situation with humor, grace, and a maturity well beyond your years. I have always thought that your sensitivity for others, insight, and compassionate demeanor, (as well as the sick way you can make a joke out of things) are a direct result of the turmoil you experienced as a young person. That which doesn't kill us makes us stranger, I mean - stronger, right? Anyway, as things in life tend to change for the sake of change, you know that Chester ended up drinking and drugging himself to death. What a bittersweet end. A great love is gone - and a release of a tortured soul to someplace that's else. And, an un-asked-for new life for me. ...very bittersweet. To comment on the heading for your essay, I know where you are coming from. I've lived in the suburbs of where you're coming from. I hear the bite of anger and the sting of pain still, after all these years, in your words. I dont mean to sound preachy, and it's not my place to ask this of you, but forgiveness is a great salve for the soul. Do it not for them, but for you. You deserve to let it go and bury it. Reading the 12 steps to recovery in the AA "big" book has given me tremendous insight, and allowed me to forgive. If only so i could move on, then it was worth it. Thanks for writing this.
God, I love you Mitch. You are so to your point and have a wonderful way using descriptive language to drive it home. I laughed like an idiot reading this post..only because I lived it with you and had no idea how you honestly viewed alcoholics. I grin hearing you voice your strong opinions only because I still get tearfully emotional remembering you running and hiding trying to get away from those explosive tirades we lived in dread of. No child should endure that insanity and be irrevokably shaped by it. Lisette
had a great point about the 12 steps...it's an incredibly powerful way to live and love one's own life. By the way, I remember Lisette fondly and was shocked to know she had a peak into our personal insanity. Hope she is well and with real sincerity wish her the best with love.
Mitch,
Don't judge your sister-in-law so harshly. She makes the choice to stay, but that doesn't mean she wants to stay. Maybe some of your classes will help you understand this. Your sister-in-law needs you to love her when she is, not where you want her to be. "Another view point"
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